


Bodies

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in a Female Vessel, Communication Failure, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Mild Smut, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sexual Tension, Shut Up Kiss, The female vessel is temporary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-01-22 00:02:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12468968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.





	1. Gwen

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea bug and had to share it. It can be read as a stand alone, but really I need to have about two more chapters of hook-ups and Cas and Dean getting over their hang ups. This will be a spare time fic that I come to here and there when inspiration strikes. Hope you like it.

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted.

The first time was after a hunt. Dean said he needed to blow off some steam. Sam said he just needed to sleep. So it was just Cas and Dean out at a bar. Dean even gave him the keys to the Impala, saying, "If I drink too much or you get bored, you can take her back to the motel. Maybe we’ll both get lucky though." Then he elbowed him all good and jolly like this was something they both wanted. After a few minutes scoping out the place, Dean pointed his beer toward a table with a couple of women. "Wanna give that table a shot?" Cas shrugged and got up like he was game even if he wasn't. He had no intentions beyond just following Dean wherever he went.

The brunette smiled at Dean. She had full, lush lips and hazel eyes. "Well hello," she said, and her voice was honey sweet. Cas let himself settle back a little behind Dean. Dean could lead.

"Well hello yourself," Dean said. He bought her and the other women drinks, but it was clear where his attention settled. He even tried to push Cas into conversations, called him his friend, his buddy, but Cas was uninterested in the progress that would come from that.

Dean could really have his pick from the table. Everyone was interested in his banter, his bravado, his ever present charm. Cas felt Dean's words twisting in his stomach, words that weren't meant for him. Something about that night, that moment, unsettled him, made him want more.

He excused himself for a moment, and made his way out to the parking lot. It use to be easy watching Dean go off with them, the random hook ups he found so easily. He wasn't sure when things changed for him, but tonight he just couldn't watch it happen, couldn't watch someone else get everything he could never have.

A sound at his back alerted him to someone else's presence. He turned, and was greeted by the brunette from the bar. "Hey there."

"Hello," he had to focus to remember her name, "Gwen."

"Your friends settling up the tab. You got a way home?"

He processed that. "Yes." And for no reason he informed her, "I'm an angel."

"You do seen sweet." She moved closer, lips close to his ear, and she practically purred, "But you're no angel. I can tell."

He poked at her thoughts and saw attraction. "Come with me a moment." He beckoned and walked toward the Impala. She followed. He pulled out Dean’s keys and unlocked it. He wasn't sure why he was doing this, but he was committed. He opened up the door to the back seat and got in. "Get in."

She got in. "Won't your friend be pissed that you stole his date?" She smiled and inched closer. Her hand slid slowly up his thigh.

"I really am an angel, and I have an odd request."

"Okay, angel, lay it on me." She leaned in first though, and brushed her lips over his.

"Don't be afraid." She stiffened a little. He let his grace shine through his eyes a little.

She looked scared, but he pressed some comfort out to her via his grace and she settled back into calmness. "Wow." It was an understatement. "How?" Then a moment later, "Am I going to hell?"

Cas laughed. "No, but I do have, like I said, an odd request." She nodded. "I'd like your permission to possess your body for one night."

"Uh, why?"

Cas felt uncomfortable with the admission. It seemed that he should be telling Dean first. Still she should know. "I'd like to engage in sexual relations with Dean."

“Oh,” she said, then, “oh,” again. “Would he be into that?”

Cas didn’t answer right away. He thought about the way Dean was, the things he said, the thoughts that sometimes came to him as drunken prayers. Dean wasn’t drunk tonight though. He thought of how warm he was at his side though, even tonight, the way he would casually just touch him for no good reason at all. “Yes, I think he would.”

“Just one night?”

“Yes. If at any point you change your mind, you can kick me out. You’ll be fully aware of everything.” Cas made sure she could see just how sincere he was as he spoke.

“Well, this will be the most unusual threesome I’ve ever had.” She smiled though and added, “Sure.”

“So, yes?” Cas tried not to feel too much hope, but it was there.

“Yes.” And with that one word, he let his grace slide free from his vessel into her body. He settled into her, lifted her hands in front of his face and turned them over and back. He looked at his vessel. The body looked peaceful. Cas reached down into the foot well and pulled up a blanket that was there and covered his vessel so it would look like it was just sleeping and not dead.

He got out of the car and made his way back to the front of the bar. Dean came out as he approached. “You seen my friend out here by any chance?”

Cas smiled. He moved close to Dean then, pressing this body against Dean’s chest. “Hello Dean.” He knew he couldn’t ask outright for Dean’s consent, but he knew he could make it plain in any number of ways just who was riding shotgun in this moment. Dean knew him, and he knew Dean.

Dean stepped back a moment, a bit of shock on his face. He just stared but didn’t say anything for a moment, like he had to figure it all out, put the pieces together. “Uh,” Dean started.

“Some women enjoy trying unusual things, things you wouldn’t expect right away.” Cas moved back into Dean’s space. He tipped his head into the space near Dean’s ear and added, “The apartment is just over there. We don’t even have to drive.”

“Okay,” Dean paused a moment and choked out, “Gwen,” like he needed to use her name to keep up the ruse. 

* * *

 

The apartment was clean and sparsely decorated. Cas didn’t touch him, didn’t make any further advances all the way to the place. He unlocked the door and put her key back into her purse. He could hear Dean on his heels. He set the purse down and turned to him, ready to say something, but he wasn’t sure what.

Dean surged toward him and pulled him into the kiss. There was fire in his movements, something a bit desperate. It took Cas by surprise, but he figured out how to respond a moment later. His hands took on a life of their own. He raked at the bottom of his shirt in an effort toward getting it up and off. Dean was already fumbling at the zipper on the back of Gwen’s dress. Cas let it fall down around his ankles and stepped out of it.

Cas reached out and pulled Dean toward the bedroom by his belt loop. Cas let him go in front of the bed and said, “You’re wearing too much clothing, Dean.”

Dean’s breathing seemed to hitch up at the use of his name. Cas knew it sounded like him even coming out of Gwen’s mouth. Dean knew. He absolutely knew. He removed his pants. “Turn around.” Cas complied. Dean undid the bra and let it fall to the floor. He pressed himself against Cas’ back and settled his chin on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his waist. It was intimate, this moment, the way he was breathing. Dean turned his head just a little and pressed a gentle kiss into Cas’ neck.

“You want me?” Cas could feel the answer pressed to him already.

“Of course.” He kissed the same spot again, then added. “Wanted this since the first moment I saw you.” Cas had a moment where he wasn’t sure if Dean meant him or Gwen. He thought,  _Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he doesn’t know it’s me._  Dean’s hands stroked affection into his waist and up to his chest,  _her chest_.

Cas turned just a little in the embrace. He took Dean’s face in his hands and stared. It was comfortable. It was like the million times they’d done this before, but this time there was purpose, a silent communication that they were having, and they were both on the same page. “I need to know that it’s me that you want.”

“I need to know that everyone is plenty okay with this,” Dean replied.

“Everyone is very much on board.” Cas waited though for Dean to be clear as he could be. Consent mattered to him, even if there was this roundabout way toward intimacy going on between them.

“I could stare into your blue eyes all day, but that wouldn’t be a good use of our time.” And after a pause he added, “Gwen.” Just to make it clear that the ruse was still needed.

His hands roamed, and the moment grew warm and exciting. He moved Cas to the bed. Cas spun around in his arms and then gave him a push back to the mattress. “You know what you want,” Cas asked.

“You.” Dean looked up into Cas’ eyes, Gwen’s eyes, but it was like he was looking past that to something deeper. “Always you.” Cas came down to the bed. Cas had his legs on either side of Dean’s thighs. Somewhere along the way they’d both shed their underwear. Cas dipped down and kissed Dean, letting his tongue slide in, tasting him and ending with a gentle bite to Dean’s bottom lip.

He sat up and felt how much Dean wanted this. Cas moved and felt Dean slide inside of him. Gwen was pleased if the running monologue in his head was any indication. Dean’s hands fell to Cas’ hips as he began moving a little tentatively beneath him. Cas hadn’t said much, but now, that it was all happening he couldn’t stop saying Dean’s name. It was almost like he lost all his other words.

Cas kept meeting Dean’s thrusts, pressing his hands to Dean’s chest. He tipped his head back to just breathe a little. Dean moved faster, and in an instant, rolled them over so that Cas was lying flat on his back in the bed. “Hey you,” Dean whispered and nipped at his lip just slightly, then stared at him as they rolled into each other a bit more.

“Dean.” It was still all he could say, but he said it with so much reverence. The tone was as close to an  _I love you_  as he could get without actually saying the words.

Dean dipped in again and kissed him slow, like he needed to memorize every bit of this mouth, the way it accepted him, wanted him. It may not have been Cas’ mouth, but it was Cas’ choices, responses, and actions. He was making this memory. It was his.

Dean’s movements were becoming erratic. Cas squeezed his legs around him, and held him as he moved. It was something perfect, nearly, something like paradise. He could carry this with him. This night, them together, it could get him through the million other nights that he might never get this for himself again. “Dean, Dean, Dean.” It was still everything, the only word. Then Dean came and Cas found another word. “You’re mine, always mine.” Dean slumped down to him, let himself be held. Cas pressed kisses into his collarbone, his neck, his jawline, anywhere his lips could reach. Dean for his part just let his hands stroke slow lines of affection up and down Cas’ arms.

“Always yours.” Then Dean rolled to the side and they both drifted off to sleep near each other.


	2. Dean

Bodies were funny things. The way they moved, the way they showed excitement or sorrow or pleasure. Cas was mesmerized by humanity. He spent a fair amount of his time thinking about bodies now, bodies that moved beneath him, touched him gently, kissed him possessively. He thought it would be easier somehow. Cas learned though, rather quickly, that he was wrong. It was amazing how often he could be so wrong.

It had been weeks of this, this tension. Some days Dean wouldn't even look at him. Cas thought that it'd pass. Actually he never thought that their actions would lead to anything like this.

What they'd done had been...  _Transcendent_. Cas had laid next to Dean for hours just staring at his peaceful, sleeping face before he chose to leave Gwen's body. He'd let her have the pleasure of watching Dean wake up.

He drifted back to the Impala, his body, and his reality. He still felt Dean's lips, his gentle hands. He longed to go back, extend the night into this new day. He didn't though. He could wait for Dean to come back to the car. He'd need his rest after all.

As dawn crept up over the horizon, Cas saw Dean making his way across the parking lot to the car. Cas was still stretched out in the back seat. Dean got in. "You staying back there?"

"I could move up." Cas got out and took the passenger seat. Dean looked at him like he wanted to say something. The silence just stretched though. Cas decide to break the silence. "You have a good night?"

Dean blanched. "Mostly." Cas' brows came together. Dean swallowed and explained, "No one likes being a ditchable prom date. If you sleep with someone and it meant something, you stay 'til they wake up in the morning." Dean swallowed again and stared straight ahead at nothing. "I stayed, waited for Gwen to wake up before I left."

"I see." Cas watched him, trying to understand. Maybe they should just talk about it.

"Yeah, right." He started the car. "Let's just go."

And maybe if either of them had been direct the tensions wouldn't have built. They solved their case, they went back to the bunker, and they got a dry patch. Sam seemed happy to have nothing looming on the horizon. Dean looked like he constantly wanted to punch something.

At night Cas would roam the halls. Before he'd just stay in his sparse room with a book. He felt restless though, and wanted movement or something to cure the feeling. Sam and Dean had long since gone off to bed, or so he thought. He heard a distant noise coming from the gym, heavy breathing and the rhythmic pop of something being hit.

Cas followed the noise to its source. He pushed open the door to the gym to find Dean, shirtless, driving his fists into the punching bag. Cas just watched him a moment before moving into the room more fully. It was 3 am, and Dean should definitely be sleeping.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked.

"Couldn't sleep. Might as well be productive," Dean replied without turning to meet his gaze. He kept hitting the bag. Cas moved to the other side and held the bag in place for him. Dean stopped hitting it.

Cas let it go. "This is productive?"

Dean stepped back. He looked away from Cas. "Yeah. I need to work out more. I'm getting older. I don't look like I use to. Don't even feel as strong as I use to."

Cas came out from behind the bag. He stood in front of Dean until he looked up at him. "So you're working out at 3 am because you think you aren't attractive anymore?" Cas just ignored the whole bit about strength and age. That doesn't have to be fixed at 3 am.

"That's not what I said." Dean looked away. "I gotta be ready for the next hunt. I'm also going a little stir crazy. We've been cooped up for too long."

Cas just hummed a little response and picked up a weight like it was a feather. Dean watched him. “I see.”

“Do you?” Dean didn’t wait for a response. He huffed out a great gust of frustrated sounding air and moved to the weights to start lifting. Cas moved behind him to spot him.

“Sometimes one just needs do something to get rid of tension. I’ve noticed that you don’t like inaction. You get restless, and sometimes that leads to being reckless. I’m glad you’re punching things at 3 am over running off on a misguided hunt. This is safer.” Cas wasn’t looking at Dean as he spoke or he likely would have stopped. Dean set down the weight and just stared up at him.

“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean got up and stalked off toward the door.

Cas just stood there a second. “I don’t understand. Why are you angry with me?”

Dean turned back to him. He walked right up into his space. “Take off your coat.” Cas didn’t know what this was about, but he complied. “We’re gonna spar a little.” Dean laughed for seemingly no good reason. “You wouldn’t want me going off all half cocked or anything would you? Wouldn’t want me feeling all tense and reckless?”

Cas tipped his head and tried to understand him. Dean’s words dripped with irritation and maybe some anger. Cas may have felt comfortable poking at the thoughts of strangers, but Dean had said his mind was not to be poked at like that.  _I deserve some privacy._  He had claimed or something like that. So Cas didn’t poke at his thoughts even though it might have helped. “I’m an angel, Dean.”

“I’ve fought angels. Killed a fair number of them too. I can take you.” His eyes glinted with something fierce. “You should take off your shirt. It’ll get in the way.” Dean moved out to the sparring mat and waited. Cas took off his shirt slowly and watched Dean right back. His chest was already showing signs of effort, though they were just standing there. He could hear Dean’s breathing hitch up as he tossed his shirt to the floor. 

Cas moved slowly to him. and took a position facing Dean. “You ready, Dean?”

“Born ready.” Dean grinned but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’ll go easy on you.” 

Dean smirked, “Don’t do me any favors.” And it seemed like he was more angry than he should be. Dean made the first move, but Cas side stepped it easily. Dean brought up his arms in a defensive posture. Cas mirrored him. He let Dean get a hit in. He even softened the blow, so Dean’s fist wouldn’t hurt. “You aren’t trying. Try!”

“Not sure what the goal is here.” Cas ducked and Dean’s swing missed. Dean was a little off balance for a moment. “I could knock you out easily.”

“Try!” Dean yelled at him again. He punched at Cas and connected with his side. It’d be a solid kidney punch on a human and painful. Cas chose not to praise the effort. Instead he stumbled back, like the hit had actually hurt him. Dean was breathing harder. He punched and connected again and again. Cas dodged some hits. 

He could see Dean growing more irritated the longer he went without hitting him back, so Cas swung a fist at him, pulling back his strength significantly. He connected with a rib low and on the right. He didn’t pull back quite enough. He could hear the bone crack a little, a hairline fracture, maybe. Dean stumbled back. “Oh, I’m sorry.” 

Dean smiled, but it was not a happy look on him. He rushed at Cas and knocked him to the floor. He straddled him for just a moment and landed a fist into the side of his face. Then he was struggling to breathe right, the fractured rib apparently didn’t like the extra efforts Dean was making. Cas could hear Dean’s heartbeat racing. He rolled Dean onto his back and pinned his arms to the mat over his head. “Come on!” Dean stared up at him angrily.

“I need to heal you. Your rib is broken.” 

“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean squirmed a little in his grasp. “Let me go.” Cas didn’t let him go. Instead he moved Dean’s arms so that he could hold both with one hand. He dragged the other hand down Dean’s arm to his chest. He was leaning over Dean a fair bit. Dean’s breathing was coming in shaky gasps. It reminded Cas of that night. 

He could touch Dean’s body anywhere and send healing to the injured bone. Healing Dean was never something he did quickly though. He let the touches linger. Dean’s body stilled beneath him as he dragged his fingers toward Dean’s shoulder, then his chest. He stared steadily into Dean’s eyes, counted his breaths, his heartbeats, the blinking of his eyes. He could lean down to him, kiss him, taste him again. He wanted to. His fingers grazed over Dean’s ribs. He felt Dean’s skin shiver beneath him.

He sent his grace to him, mending the bone. He didn’t let Dean go just yet. He felt Dean beneath him, growing hard. Their position was clearly not so upsetting. Cas wondered about that. He’d thought they’d need a different vessel for this. Dean’s face fell a little. He moved and pushed Cas off. Cas let him.

Dean was halfway to the door. He stopped but didn’t turn back. “I’m driving out to Hay tomorrow. Gonna take a little break.”

Cas waited for more. Dean didn’t move, didn’t say anything else, but it was like he was waiting for something. “You want me to go with you?”

Dean turned back and looked at him. “Is that what you want?”

Cas was trying to figure out if this was one of those questions that had layers. Instead of coming to a conclusion, he just said, “Yes.”

“Well, then we’ll head out around 6:00, get some food on the road.” Dean turned to head out, and Cas just watched him go.


	3. Joan

The trip to Hay took a few hours. Cas noticed the way Dean didn’t speed or even seem concerned with getting there. He just drove, window down, music playing. They didn’t talk. Sam had questioned the trip, even seemed interested in tagging along. Dean somehow made the trip sound like it wouldn’t be much fun for him though, and Sam seemed to pick up on the fact that Dean did not want him to go for some reason. The trip would certainly have been different with Sam along.

They got into town at 11 pm on a Friday night, and things were still lively enough in town. It was a college town after all, and most of the population knew what it was to pull all nighters and live life like a party. Dean picked out a bar a little ways from the college. The crowd was young, too young for them. Cas thought that Dean seemed bored nearly from the start.

“Wanna hustle some pool?” Dean nodded over to one of the tables in the corner. The group that was playing seemed happy and maybe a little drunk.

“Maybe we don’t hustle them. We could just play a few rounds.” Cas took a sip from his glass. Dean had bought him a whiskey instead of a beer. It was different. A lot of things were different lately.

“You think they’d beat us?” Dean asked.

“No, they just seem nice,” Cas replied.

“How can you tell? They just look like some college guys, probably from a fraternity or something. Those kinds of guys roll in the money, and they’re usually douche bags.”

Cas waved casually at the one end of the pool table. “Those two guys are a couple.” He waved at the other end of the table. “The other two are thinking of starting something up, but they’re worried that the other is not interested.” Cas took another sip of his drink and added, “The guys in the middle are friends and live on the same floor as the two other pairs. They all arranged the outing tonight because Tim, the one guy in the middle, got dumped by his long term girlfriend. They’re trying to distract him.”

“How do you know all that?” Dean asked.

“I was listening to all of the conversations in the bar to pick up on anything of interest, people of interest.” Cas gave Dean a pointed look, then turned away from him as he continued, “One of them made a comment about us, so I poked at their thoughts.” Cas glanced at Dean again but didn’t hold the gaze.

Dean took a moment to seemingly process all of that. “What’d they say about us?”

“The two on the end thought that you were good looking.”

“The couple?” Why it mattered to Dean was a mystery.

“No, the other two. I think that the one was a little jealous. Regardless, they quickly moved on to other things.”

“Like what?” 

Cas looked at Dean again, “Classes mostly. Everyone in here is rather young.”

“Yeah, I’m not seeing anyone I’m comfortable hitting on, to be honest.” Dean glanced over at the bar. “Bartender is the only person in here that’s maybe even in his thirties.”

Cas wasn’t sure why Dean would bother noting the bartender since he was a man. “Should we go elsewhere?”

“Nah, this is fine.” Dean elbowed him and added, “Unless you wanted to find someone.”

“We staying here for the night or going back to the bunker?”

Dean looked uncomfortable all of a sudden. “We could stay here, get a room or something if you want to.” Dean looked away.

“It would be a waste of a trip to head home now.” They stayed a bit longer, nursed their drinks, then drove into town for a room.

* * *

 

Dean undressed and got into bed the moment they got into the room. He’d grown quiet. Cas took a seat at the motel table next to the window. “Cas?”

Cas turned to him. “Yes, Dean.”

“You ever wish things were different?”

“Different how?” Cas moved over to the bed next to Dean’s. He sat and waited for Dean’s answer.

“I don’t know, just different. Like would you ever want to settle down somewhere or go back to heaven? You know change the way things are.”

“I have no place in heaven. I can’t imagine settling down in the way you mean it.”

“How do you think I mean it?”

Cas considered poking at Dean’s thoughts, but didn’t. “I don’t think that finding a place to pass the time in like Ramiel did would suit me. I’m not interested in fishing, or taking up pointless hobbies. I like doing what you do. It is more fulfilling.” 

Dean watched him for a moment. He looked almost peaceful. He licked his lips a little and left a little sheen on them. Cas wanted to move closer, press his own lips to him. “Do you ever poke at my thoughts like you did with those guys?”

“No.” Cas folded his hands in front of him.

“Okay, just checking.” Dean rolled over and faced the wall. “Night, Cas.”

“Night, Dean.” Cas got up and went back to the table until Dean fell asleep.

* * *

 

When Dean got up the next morning, he didn’t check out of the motel. Instead he paid for another night. “You never know. We might get lucky.” He winked at Cas and moved ahead of him toward the little diner next to the motel. Cas didn’t know what to make of the trip, and Dean didn’t seem to be trying so hard to find someone to help with his tension. 

Cas figured they’d try another bar that night, or maybe they wouldn’t. It was hard to tell what Dean was thinking. He'd done his own research though, not that it'd matter if Dean had his own plans. After a huge breakfast that included every kind of meat, some pancakes, and a skillet full of eggs, Dean declared himself full. Cas made a point of not commenting on the name of the feast, the “Lumberjack Special.”

They left the diner and Dean didn’t lead them back to the room or the car. “Where are you going?”

“Just thought we’d walk around a little.” Dean turned to him and asked, “Is that okay?”

“Of course.” Cas moved to Dean’s side and walked with him toward the campus. He wasn’t sure what the point was. They’d established the night before that co-eds were way too young and unappealing. It made Cas settle on a different question though, one that had nothing to do with conquests. “Did you ever want to go to college?”

They took a meandering path around the perimeter of the campus. It was nice. Cas tried to picture Dean there as a student. “College was never for me.” He let out a little breath and added, “That was always supposed to be Sammy’s path.”

“Couldn’t it have been a path you both took?” Cas’ hand brushed the back of Dean’s hand with each step. There was warmth radiating from him. Cas focused on the sound of his heart beating steadily. 

“Then who’d hunt monsters and teach angels how to human, Cas?” Dean elbowed him a little as they walked. Cas smiled at him. Dean smiled back. “I suppose I wanted that life at one point. It would have been nice to have just spent my days studying and taking tests. I wouldn’t have been good at it, but it would have been better than a lot of the things I ended up experiencing.”

Cas raised his hand up and settled it on Dean’s shoulder as they walked. Dean’s pace altered a little, almost like he’d stumbled when Cas put his hand on him. “The world owes you a great debt. You are a real hero, Dean Winchester.”

Dean shrugged him off and ran ahead a little, only to turn back and face him as he walked backwards. “Ah, shucks Cas.” He laughed. “Don’t go getting all sappy on me now.” 

“I’ll do my best.” Cas came back to his side and they walked between a couple of buildings toward a central area on campus. It was stunningly green with lush trees framing the walkways between buildings. The quad area was filled with students, making their way to classes and just generally lazing around. “Should we wander through a building?”

“Sure.” Dean stopped and looked around at all the buildings that framed the quad. “Take your pick.”

“Maybe that one with the dome.” Cas pointed to their left. “I read a bit about the campus last night while you slept.”

“Yeah, what’d you learn?” Dean asked as they made their way into the building. They have two telescopes, very large, and a cadaver lab that is impressive.”

“Wow, romantic,” Dean said with a smirk.

Cas said, “Didn’t realize romance was a requirement.” Cas smirked back. “The campus also has a building with a forge and a department that practices making both medieval weapons and art.”

“Well, you lead with that, Cas. Let’s go see that.” Dean looked excited, and Cas wanted to indulge that.” He set a hand on Dean’s elbow and directed him toward the building with the forge.

* * *

 

They spent too much time watching students work. Dean didn’t seem like he had any intention of leaving or even drinking the water Cas brought him. He was transfixed. Eventually though, Cas mentioned lunch, and Dean’s stomach grumbled out a corresponding complaint. They headed out to the quad again and found the commons area with all of its food offerings. It was actually more like dinner time than lunch, but they hadn’t exactly taken the time for that meal.

“This place is great. We should put a forge in the bunker. We could make our own swords, and maybe even incorporate some etchings that strengthen the weapons. There’s potential here, Cas.” Dean was babbling as he devoured his burger.”

“Forges are hot.” Cas was thinking of the way that the temperature would affect the overall climate of the bunker.

“Well, whatever turns you on, buddy.” Dean laughed a little.

“I mean,” he sighed, “never mind. Eat your burger. Maybe now you’ll let me check out the telescopes.”

“Oh, you were really interested in that?” Dean finished off the last bite of his burger.

“I am. I have always enjoyed looking at the stars, the vastness of the universe.” A little smile tugged up at the edges of Cas’ lips, but then he suddenly looked a little sad.

“You ever miss it? The freedom of just popping off to all of that whenever you wanted.” Dean waved a hand at the ceiling.

“Sometimes. Moving about untethered, not tied to a vessel is a wholly different experience, one I can’t explain. You feel vast though and maybe even a little endless. Because of it, though, I’ve learned to appreciate smaller things more. It is funny that in all the infinite universe, I would choose to love such a small place as this.” Cas waved a hand in a circle, signifying everything.

“Earth?”

“Yes, and even smaller spaces than the whole planet. The bunker, the back seat of the Impala, the kitchen in the bunker even. I’ve come to appreciate the intimacy of small spaces, the joy that they can bring.” Cas glanced at Dean then back down at his hands. “The people too. They, you, make it better here.” He glanced at Dean again. Color rose into Dean’s cheeks.

“Finish eating your burger, and I’ll take you to your damn telescope.” Dean rolled his eyes. “You do know that we have a telescope back at the bunker?”

“This one’s bigger.”

Dean’s brows came together. “Oh, so you’re a member of the bigger is better camp I take it.”

“In this case yes.” Cas reached over and stole one of Dean’s fries from his plate. 

“And in other cases?” Dean was drilling a hole through the table with his staring. 

“You sound as if you might be concerned about something specific. What are you worried about?” Cas tipped his head a little in an attempt at making eye contact.

Dean hastily wiped his mouth and got up. “We should get going if you want to see your stars.”

Dean was already ten feet ahead of him, before Cas got up.

* * *

 

Cas had done more, the night before, than just researching programs that the school had to offer. He had explored all of that, but he’d also explored the faculty pages. That was how he came across Joan. She worked in the science department, but she had an all consuming love of astronomy in particular. She’d written a few books on the subject. He knew she’d be near the telescopes given what she’d written on her current focus. She was working on identifying an uncharted star.

What first drew Cas to her was her appearance. She looked like the kind of woman that Dean would gravitate toward. In her picture, and now standing in front of him too, she had rich dark brown hair hastily swept into a messy bun on top of her head. All of her biographical information listed her as single. 

Cas introduced himself as a professor from some west coast college. She accepted it. He said that Dean was his assistant. She was kind, and she even showed them her research. Cas could tell that she wasn’t showing them the calculations that mattered. That would have been foolish. It was her discovery to make.

Some hours later, and Cas had somewhat forgotten to pay attention to Dean. Joan’s work was just that interesting. She let him peer through the telescope, and she talked about stars and charting them like it was all that mattered. When Dean finally spoke up, it startled both of them. “MInd if I wander off for a bit?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Dean,” Joan said. “I feel like we haven’t been including you nearly enough here.” She set a hand on his shoulder. She smiled warmly. 

“It’s not that. I’ve just had a long day. Figured I’d stretch my legs a little.” Dean smiled in that charming way of his, and Joan let her hand fall from his shoulder. 

“We could go if you want.” Cas didn’t get up though.

“No, you stay. If I don’t come back right away, just assume I went back to the motel.” Dean gave him a little shoulder pat as he walked past and out the door.

“He seemed a bit unhappy,” Joan said.

“He’s been hard to read lately.” Cas turned from the paper he was looking over. “Sometimes I can’t tell if he’s sad or angry or just bored.”

“Or jealous,” Joan offered.

“Pretty sure it’s not that.”

Joan just looked at him for a second and said, “Well, you’d know better.”

Cas redirected, “Your calculations here are a bit off.”

Joan came over to his side and took a seat. “Oh really?” Her tone was mocking.

Cas picked up a stray pencil from the table and rewrote her equation. Joan’s face went through several changes. “This should show you what you’ve been looking for.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” she said as she pointed to one part of Cas’ calculations. “If you go with this number, you’re assuming more gravitational pull in this region than there actually is.”

He was assuming that with good reason. “There’s another star there that hasn’t been discovered yet.”

“What’re you talking about? How would you know that?” Her eyes glinted with excitement though.

“It’s new. Well, it’s new by human standards. The light from it hasn’t reached this planet yet. So it makes sense that you wouldn’t have calculated for it. However by not calculating for it, you’re missing key information. Feel free to use my numbers.”

“But how?” She still looked surprised and perplexed. “I’ve been working on this for years.”

And this was the moment Cas chose to confess. “I’m an angel.” Then he showed her with a gentle glow of grace. She nearly fell from her chair.

“I, oh God.” She got up and moved back from him. Cas got up and sent out a calming wave of grace toward her.

“Fear not.” He laughed a little at how many times in his existence he’d had to say that. “I’ve come with an odd request.”

She moved slowly back toward him, reaching out a hand to touch him. “I knew something was different about you. You were mesmerizing. I felt like I needed to be near you.”

Cas hadn’t noticed that. He had picked up on some level of attraction that she was feeling for him, but her words held a different sort of intensity. Her hand dragged up his chest. “I need to be getting back to Dean.” He took a step back from her.

“I could go with you,” She stepped back to him, touching his arm.

Cas wondered if it was right, asking her to do this. It had been his intention, but she was clearly drawn to him, not Dean. He thought of Dean though, and the desire to touch him again, to feel his body pressed to his own, that desire won out. “Would you be willing to let me occupy your body for one night?”

Her brows came together as she processed his words. “Is that a fancy way of asking me for sex?”

“A little. I’d like for us to return to the motel and be with Dean.” It was almost funny how much easier it was to just say what he wanted when he spoke with complete strangers.

“So, we go to the motel and just see what happens?” She was still figuring out the arrangement. 

“Actually, I’d leave this body and occupy yours for just tonight. Then I’d walk back to the motel in your body.”

“And I’d be where exactly?” She sounded skeptical. 

“With me, in your body.” She seemed to still be processing it all. “You would be able to cast me out at any time. You would still have awareness and such.”

“This is odd. I suppose everyone has their kinks.” She leaned in and kissed him. Cas didn’t fight her. He didn’t quite know what to do. After all, he was asking for a lot, and their intimacy would be much more than this if she said yes. “Yes,” she whispered as she ended the kiss.

Cas smiled and left his body.

* * *

 

Cas didn’t leave the building right away. Instead he stood in the room a moment first and breathed from within this new body. He moved his own vessel to a small office. Joan told him that it would be safe there. It was one of the few coherent things that she said once he was occupying her body. She was mostly rambling on about the information he was feeding her concerning stars and distant universes. He made a slight adjustment to her telescope so that she’d see something new when she returned to this place, a little thank you for what she’d given him.

He shut off the lights and made his way out of the building. It was late, much later than he’d realized. Cas noticed the way that the campus seemed rather empty. The darkness, the emptiness, chilled him a little bit. He came down the steps and made his way toward the quad. “Hey there.”

Cas turned mid step. “Dean.” 

Dean moved to his side. “It’s late. You shouldn’t be walking alone this late.”

Forgetting for a moment how he looked, Cas said, “No one here could pose any sort of danger for me. I would easily smite them.” Dean looked at him funny. “Well, incapacitate. Smiting might be a bit extreme.”

“Smiting?” Dean let his hand brush the back of Cas’ elbow to direct their walk. “Hardly a word I’d expect to hear from an astronomer, Joan.” He almost seemed to add the name as an afterthought. 

“Guess you just don’t know me that well yet, Dean.” Cas smiled and leaned into him a little. ‘Perhaps we should change that.” Joan actually told him what to say there, and he was grateful for it. 

They walked together, but didn’t seem to be heading for the motel exactly. “Where to?” Dean asked as they continued their walk. Cas really had no destination in mind. Neither did Joan. He’d assumed they’d go back to the motel, but they just didn’t. 

“I don’t know. Where would you like to go?”

Dean seemed to think about that for a bit before answering. “Cas was saying that he had come to appreciate small places more since he came here.” Dean let his arm slide around Cas’ waist as he spoke. Made me kinda appreciate those spaces a bit more too.”

Cas stopped walking a moment and reached up to Dean’s cheek. He was taller than Cas was currently by a fair amount. Cas pulled him down into a kiss. Dean went along with this willingly. He was gentle with Cas. He stroked his back as he deepened the kiss. Cas soaked in all of the little details. Dean seemed to pour kindness into each small movement. When the kiss ended, Dean just held him close, even rested his chin on top of Cas’ head.

“I’d like to go to the Impala, I think,” Cas said.

Dean let him go a little. “We can do that.” It didn’t occur to Cas that Joan wouldn’t have known about the Impala. Their scenario was flimsy. They knew what was real. They knew and they continued to lie to themselves and each other. 

The Impala was in the student parking lot. Dean must have moved it there while he and Joan had been alone. “You certainly parked it far enough away from the other cars.”

“Wouldn’t want her damaged by some careless college guys.” Dean opened the door for him. Cas looked at him funny, then went to the other door, the one to the back seat.

“Why’d you drive the car over?” Cas asked as he sid into the back, making room for Dean to join him.

“I,” Dean started as he slid in. “I was going to go to a bar or something. Wanted to give you both some space if you wanted it. Then I just came back here instead.” He looked off out the side window and added, “To lick my wounds or something.”

“Lick your wounds?”

He still wouldn’t look at Cas. “Yeah. I thought you’d both made a connection that was more of a private thing. I was sort of a third wheel so to speak.”

Cas sat there motionless for a moment, before Joan spoke up in his head.  _He’s in love with you, ya know. Might make sense to kiss him through this moment or you know, something more._  She painted a little picture for him with her thoughts. Cas moved into Dean’s lap. “You’re never the third wheel.” Not the most romantic thing he’d ever said, but it seemed to move Dean.

“I was jealous, and I’m pretty confused about what this all is.” Cas leaned in and kissed him just below his jaw. He gradually moved his lips down to his neck where he nuzzled in a bit. 

“It’s love,” Cas whispered near Dean’s ear. “It’s meeting someone where they are, and finding happiness in moments.”

“You barely know me, Joan,” Dean said.

Cas moved off Dean’s lap and in an economy of moves, pulled Dean down onto his back on the seat. He lifted Dean’s hips and removed his pants. “ _I_  know you. And  _I_  am meeting you where you are, because  _I_ love you.”

Dean sucked in a breath and seemed like emotions were overtaking him. So, Cas dipped down and kissed him low on his stomach. Then he peppered Dean’s hips with kisses. Then he ran his hands up over Dean’s legs to part them more. Cas knelt in the small space he had in the foot well behind the driver’s seat. 

He leaned in slowly and took Dean into his mouth. He could feel Dean shaking a little beneath him. When Cas looked up, he noticed that Dean’s eyes were closed. He was gripping the seat beneath him with one hand, and the other had found it’s way to the back of Cas’ head. The taste of Dean on his tongue, the feel of him writhing about a little beneath him, was enough to make him happy.

Dean was thrusting a little now. Time had passed, but it felt like nothing to Cas. He wanted more of this. He wanted the kind of time that was years and days and he wanted it all with Dean. Cas let him go with a pop, and climbed back onto Dean’s lap before he could complain. Dean’s eyes were still closed. Even as he slid into him, Dean did not open his eyes. His breathing just hitched up.

Cas leaned down and kissed him quick. Dean wrapped his arms around him, and they moved together, slow like they had all the time in the world. The smell of the Impala’s leather filled Cas’ nose. The warmth of Dean beneath him was everything he wanted. Dean’s mouth was open as their hips rolled together quicker now than before. And words were tumbling out of him as Dean’s thrusts became more frantic. “Cas, Cas, Cas.” There was no mistaking the words Dean had said. He didn’t open his eyes. 

Cas felt every muscle in this body that wasn’t his, quaking with the orgasm that was reached. This was what it was to fall. This was what he wanted. If only it were easier. Dean didn’t open his eyes. He just ran his hands over the bare skin of Cas’ back. Eventually he laid his head down on Dean’s chest and listened to his heart beating beneath him.


	4. Cas

Cas didn't leave the body right away. Dean's anger last time was enough to convince him that staying was important. They didn't talk, and Cas actually thought that Dean had drifted off.

It was the subtle movement of Dean's lips against his neck that told him that Dean was awake. They were all wrapped around each other, a tangle of limbs in the back of the Impala. They weren't looking at each other though. They were too close to each other for that.

Eventually, Cas separated from Dean and got Joan's clothes situated. Dean straightened himself out too. They still weren't talking. Dean was thinking though. Cas could see it. The way Dean's brows came together clued him in.

They got out of the car together. "You'll walk me back to the building?" Cas asked.

"Of course," Dean said. He fell into step beside Cas and let his hand fall on his elbow. Cas hazarded a glance at him as they walked. It was getting harder, the shift from intimate to whatever was their new normal. It should have been okay. This was only the second time and just a relieving of tensions, a physical fix, but Cas loved him. He knew even from the start that it had always been more than that where he was concerned.

Dean's hand dropped to his, to Joan's. His fingers slipped between Cas'. And Cas couldn't stop thinking, not my hands, not my fingers, hers, hers, hers. They got to the building and stood at the doorway a moment. Once Cas walked through those doors he knew what would happen. They'd go back to the way they were, a thick wall between them.

In an effort to keep his feelings in check, Cas leaned in and kissed Dean. There was nothing gentle about the kiss. Dean's arms were around him, practically hauling Cas up off the ground. It went on so long that Cas thought they'd have to go back to the car. "You're beautiful," Dean whispered between breaths.

Joan was beautiful. Cas opened his eyes and stared at Dean's eyelashes from up close. His eyes were closed, his lips parted. Cas stepped back from him. "Wait here." He moved toward the door. He couldn't stop thinking about how it wasn't him that Dean wanted. It was Joan's body and before that Gwen's that Dean craved, never him.

Cas' mind was racing. He stepped back mentally, giving control to Joan. Dean looked concerned and that was what did it for him. Dean deserved to settle down, have the wife and child that came with the apple pie life. This wasn't leading to that. This was a distraction, a relief, a...a selfish desire.

Joan was talking to Dean now. He wasn't paying attention to her words at first. "He's having a bit of an existential crisis. He's in love with you, and this is..."

Cas stepped back into control and interrupted her saying, "I'll send Cas back down to you." He turned and rushed into the building, leaving Dean behind. He was so angry with her that he argued with her aloud. "Why'd you tell him that? Why? You think he needs that, that guilt?"

_He loves you._

"None, none of that matters, Joan!" Cas moved to his body and left Joan with no gentleness. She staggered and held the edge of the desk to keep from falling. "I know he loves me, but I have nothing to offer him. Nothing."

She seemed to gain control of her balance then and said, "You don't make sense."

"I'm leaving. Thanks for..." He waved his hands about and stalked off to the door.

"Talk to him. He just wants you. Trust me. I can tell."

Cas turned back to her. "What could you know about this? You don't know us, and you certainly don't know him."

She stepped up close to him and said, "I know his eyes were closed the whole time, and that it was your name he said when he came." She reached out to Cas then. "He loves you. Talk to him."

"Like I said before, I have nothing to offer him." He turned to go and said once again, "So thanks." She didn't try to stop him this time.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean was leaning against the building, waiting for him like he had all the time in the world. The sun would be coming up soon. Dean walked very close to him. Cas glanced at him every couple of steps to see if he was okay.

"You wanna talk about it?" Dean asked, adding, "What she said."

"No, I really don't." They got to the car and drove back to the motel with silence hanging between them.

Dean decided he needed a little sleep so he got into bed and turned to the wall. Cas stayed at the table and tried to turn off his thoughts. "You really should talk to me." Dean's words rolled over to him from across the room. Dean still had his back to him. It made it a little easier.

"There is nothing to say. You should sleep. We have a drive to make when you wake up."

"We could stay another day, have a bit more fun."

"No, Sam will be missing us," Cas said. Plus the thought of Dean with some other woman even if it was him, just upset him in this moment. Dean didn't say anymore after that, but Cas could see the way Dean’s body seemed to sink in on itself.

 

* * *

 

 

They went home. Dean didn't push him, didn't try to get him talking. If anyone understood this, it was likely Dean. Cas thought about the irony of that. The one person that he could talk to was the very person that taught him how to bottle things up with an 'it's fine.'

The first week back, Sam was concerned, concerned like he had been during the Jack time. Cas shook his head, one crisis at a time. If he started thinking about those failures he knew he'd never come back to the surface.

Sam tried to push him, get him talking. Instead they fought over stupid things that neither of them cared about. Cas was noisy at night and woke him up. Cas mumbled when he talked. Cas wasn’t listening. Sam wasn’t wrong to be mad, but Cas also didn't have the energy to deal with him, so instead he just got angry and left after each explosive moment.

Dean for his part, seemed to retreat into himself. He looked at him earnestly, like he wanted to talk or fix something broken. He wasn't broken. He could just see things as they were, and that was the rub. He could acknowledge that Dean loved him, but like he said to Joan, none of that mattered. He wasn’t what Dean needed. He also wasn’t what Dean wanted, at least not really.

So, Sam did what he could to get them all through this funk. He found cases for them. He found a lot of cases actually. They were on the road, going from one town to the next for three weeks. 

The first couple of cases, they just barreled through. They salted and burned, and fixed what needed fixing. It was all easy stuff, stuff any first time hunter could handle. Cas sensed that Sam was throwing them softballs because he thought that was all they could handle. 

A week into the never ending cases and Dean seemed to grow irritated and tense. Sam was in the room looking into another case, and Dean was pacing. “We’re going into town.”

Sam looked up, “I’m kinda busy.”

“Fine. Cas and I’ll go.” Dean pulled on a coat and marched to the motel door. He turned back to Cas who was sitting on the edge of the bed still. “Well, you gonna ditch me too?”

Cas got up and followed him out. They still weren’t talking about the issues. It was just surface level chatter for them. They drove to a bar. It was busy. Dean found a woman that seemed interested. And just like they had before, arrangements were made, consent given, and they were together. It was different though. There was a business like tone to it all.

Dean didn’t say his name or cling to him afterwards. It seemed like this was just satisfying an urge. They moved onto the next case, and repeated the pattern of finding someone willing in the night. And like that, weeks passed. They were all just vessels, just bodies coming between them. Cas didn’t feel good about any of it. He wanted Dean to be happy though. He wanted to give him what he wanted.

In Tuscon, he said the woman’s name--Mellie. He said it like he wanted her, like he needed her. Cas left her body immediately. They didn’t go out to the bars for over a week after that, and Cas became even more detached. 

 

* * *

 

 

Sam got them a case in Utah. The drive through the park lands pulled Cas from the deep pit of wallowing he was in. The stunning reds and the high mountain ranges were awe inspiring even for an angel that had passed through universes. As they drove through the Canyonlands National Park, Cas said, “It is beautiful here.”

“He speaks,” Dean proclaimed from the driver’s seat.

Sam’s head tipped back against his seat in what was clearly frustration. They were all a hair’s breath away from an argument over nothing. Tensions were high. “Get a room somewhere, so I can get away from you both,” Sam said.

“We have a case to deal with. Pretty sure you set it up.” Dean’s tone was already this side of angry.

“It’s Sunday. Nothing gonna be open for us today. Might as well settle in for the night.” Dean complied and thankfully did it silently. He found a motel and pulled into a spot by the office. Sam got out. He leaned back down into the car and said, “I’ll get the rooms. Wait here.”

The silence lingered. “You getting over yourself back there?” Dean didn’t turn as he said it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cas stared off out the passenger window at the motel wall.

“You do.” Dean turned around. “When are you going to stop acting like this?” He waved his hand between them. “I gave you what you wanted. I swear to God, Cas, I don’t know what to do here.”

Cas turned back to him. He didn’t respond. Time passed as he just stared at him. Sam came back to the car. “Shit, you two being idiots while I was gone?” 

“Shut it, Sam,” Dean said.

“Just drive down to the end.” Sam waved at the far edge of the motel. Dean moved the car where Sam directed him. He parked and got out. He opened the trunk and pulled out his duffel bag and tossed Sam’s to him. “Thanks.” Sam handed him a key to the room in front of the car.

Dean closed the trunk and moved toward his room. Sam was walking off toward the other end of the row of rooms, back toward the office. “Where you going?” Dean hollered after him.

“I’m in room 5. You two fix your shit and leave me the hell alone.” And like that Sam was in his room. Dean just stared after him for a moment.

“He maybe needs to fix his own shit,” Cas said at his side. Dean rolled his eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

Nightfall came and they had tried going out. Sam told them to just get dinner on their own and then went back into his room. They found a diner and ate together, then drove around the tiny town. Dean said, “Thought we’d find a bar. Guess not.”

Cas leaned his head against the passenger side window and said, “It’s a dry town.”

“Shoulda guessed, Utah.” They drove back to the motel and went to their room. They had hours to kill, and still so much shit to fix. Cas saw no way that any of that would be dealt with. He considered leaving. Staying wasn’t helping anyone.

Dean sat on his bed and was on his laptop. Cas stood at the window staring out at the parking lot. He wished he could talk with Dean about it without making him feel guilty. That was impossible though. He heard Dean moving around behind him, but he didn’t turn to him. It wasn’t until he felt Dean pressed to his back that he turned just a little to see him. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist and settled his chin on Cas’ shoulder. For a moment he thought that he was dreaming. “You okay, Dean?”

“Yeah.” Dean stared straight out the window. Cas turned his gaze there too. “I feel like you’re just seconds away from bolting.”

Cas stiffened up a little. Dean’s arms loosened like he was going to release him. Cas settled a hand on top of Dean’s, so he stayed. Dean let out a little shuddering breath. “The thought had crossed my mind. I’m not helping. I’m making things worse, even for Sam.”

Dean’s hold on him tightened. “You’re not.” Then silence settled into the moment. Dean just kept holding him. “Sam ever tell you what it was like for me when you were gone?” Cas turned a little to him, but their faces were so close he couldn’t really get a good look at him. “I bet he didn’t. Probably thought it was my story to share or something. Well, we both know I’m not the king of communication.”

“You’re not.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean laughed a little, and Cas could feel the gentle rumble of it up his back. “It tore me up though. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think straight. Everything was just you. I hated everyone and everything. I was horrible to Jack, but you already knew about that.”

Cas didn’t want to think about that. “What happened with Jack is on me, not you.”

“This isn’t about Jack,” Dean interrupted. “It’s about this.” He didn’t explain, but Cas knew what he meant. It was about them. “I can’t lose you again. Please don’t leave.”

“I don’t know how to stay.” It was an admission that didn’t promise anything. Dean let him go a little. He moved so that they faced each other, with Dean’s arms still loosely around him.

“You just do,” Dean whispered. “Even when it’s hard, you just do.”

“Even when it makes things worse for everyone?” Cas could barely look at him.

“I don’t think you get it. You staying is better. You going is the worst.” Dean leaned down a little to get eye contact. “I don’t know how to make it any clearer, Cas.”

Cas broke free from him and turned away. He took a deep needless breath of air and said, “I won’t leave.” His head dipped down to his chest. “Things have to change though. I can’t keep doing this.” He waved a hand out next to him as if that explained anything.

Dean came back up to him and wrapped his arms around him again. This time though, he moved an arm up to cradle Cas’ chest while his other arm stayed around Cas’ waist. They lingered like that for a time, swaying a little to a song that was only in their heads. Eventually, Dean said, “Anything you need. Just don’t leave me.” Cas just nodded into him and wondered how he’d keep this promise.

 

* * *

 

 

Things were better on the outside. They stopped going to bars and picking up women. Cas began feeling more comfortable in his body again, not like he was feeling before, all inadequate and broken. Most days he still felt like running away was the best option, but Dean never seemed to let him forget the promise he made.

A few weeks passed and they were back in the bunker. Sam was finally worn out. And as luck would have it, a case came up. Sam wanted to stay behind, pleading exhaustion as reason enough for a break. Dean said that he and Cas could handle it. 

So they packed the Impala and headed out. It was a long drive, but they had the promise of a halfway decent bed, since Sam gave them a new credit card to use. He even set them up at a hotel as opposed to a rundown motel. Dean seemed a little giddy with the prospect of a clean room with maybe a mini-bar.

“We could have handed this one off to another hunter,” Cas said.

“What, done with me already?” Dean asked as he turned down the stereo. Eight hours of hard classic rock and Cas was grateful for the near quiet.

“I just thought you might need some down time too.” Cas pulled a leg up under himself a little as he turned to Dean.

“I’m good to go for at least another week at this pace. Not sure why Sam’s being such a wuss.”

“It’s been a lot,” Cas said.

Dean drummed at the steering wheel, likely hearing the perpetual music in his head. He pulled into the hotel that they’d be staying at. It was tall, and part of a chain. When he shut off the car, they both got out and just stared up at it. “Not sure when Sam decided we were made of money.”

“Maybe we should just go somewhere cheaper,” Cas offered.

“He already paid for it.” Dean elbowed him. “Get our bags. No sense in wasting a good room.”

Cas opened the trunk and got out the bags. He caught up with Dean in the lobby. They checked in and made their way to the room. Dean let out a little whoop of joy as he took in the look of the place. “This was expensive.”

Dean said, “No shit, Sherlock. Don’t rain on my parade though. I’m gonna love this.” He moved off to the bathroom to investigate. “Did you see the tub?”

“Clearly, no.” Cas moved into the bathroom and looked. The space was huge for a bathroom. The tub was one of those massive garden tubs with jets. “Impressive.”

“I’m so going to take a bath, and you are not going to judge me.” He waved a finger at him.

“Why would I judge you. Good hygiene is important.”

Dean laughed, “You’re dumb.” He made his way back to the big bed at the center of the room and threw himself down right in the middle. “Come here.”

Cas came over. He stood at the edge of the bed and looked down at Dean who was smiling up at him. His eyes looked a little sleepy which made sense after the billion hours of driving they’d done. It wasn’t late enough to go to sleep though. “What do you want?”

Dean reached up to him, and Cas took his hand. “Come here,” Dean said again, and pulled him down to the bed. Cas sat a little awkwardly beside Dean until, Dean pulled him closer. “Lay down, dummy.” Cas did as he was told. Dean wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. “Don’t let me sleep for too long. There’s a bar downstairs we can totally check out.”

Cas took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He had wondered when Dean would want to take up old patterns again. “Okay, Dean.” For now he let Dean hold him in his own body. He soaked in the warmth of him at his back. He let his own hands settle over Dean’s. He traced Dean’s fingers and thought of how much he needed him, even now, even when he shouldn’t.


	5. Colin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for taking the journey with me. I decided to prune the chapter rather than break it into two chunks, so this is it. Hope you all enjoy it.

Cas let Dean sleep for too long. Dean didn’t seem to mind though. They had an honor-bar after all, and Dean said that they could do plenty of damage with just that. “Won’t Sam be mad if we max out the card with honor-bar purchases?”

Dean just laughed, “Cas, what have I told you about honor-bars?”

Cas squinted across the room at Dean as he was lifting a tiny bottle of bourbon out of the fridge. “That everything about them is honorable.” He said it almost as a question. 

Dean set the bourbon back in the fridge. “Maybe we should go down to the bar. It’s late, but we could get something before last call. It might be cheaper too.” Cas felt his heart sink. He’d thought it would be late enough to keep them in. He’d hoped so anyway. 

“Okay.”

Dean came up next to him and threw his arm over Cas’ shoulder, drawing him toward the door. “Don’t get all mopey. I promise to be entertaining. Besides, tomorrow we gotta work the case. So, tonight we should let loose.” Cas knew what Dean meant by ‘let loose,” and he wasn’t a fan of the plan. He went anyway.

He fell silent as they took the elevator up to the rooftop bar. The view of the city would be nice at least. Cas thought that maybe it might be windy and he could feel a little like he was flying again. That might be nice. The bar was actually still crowded for the time. Apparently 1:00 am wasn’t so late to some people. Dean grinned at his side. “You want me to find a table?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, I’ll get the drinks. You got a preference?”

“It’s all the same to me.” Cas wandered off to the edge of the bar, picking a table near the wall. There was a little wind there just like he had hoped. He watched Dean lean into the bar and wait for the bartender to notice him. The bartender, a red bearded man, gave him a little half salute of acknowledgement before tossing a towel over his shoulder and walking down to him. Dean seemed to be talking to him for a moment, then the man laughed. He leaned in close and seemed to be amused by whatever Dean was saying.

Cas noticed the way the man’s whole posture seemed to shift. It seemed almost like flirting. Dean leaned into the conversation too. Then Dean motioned at Cas with a casual jab of his thumb over his shoulder. Cas looked away. He felt guilty like he wasn’t supposed to be staring or something. He glanced up and noticed that the bartender had set a hand on Dean’s arm. It was more than friendly. Cas didn’t like it. Somehow this bothered him more than the other intimacies, and he couldn’t say why.

It would be easier to just not look anymore, so Cas stared off at the city. He took in the lights on the buildings, the slow roll of the cars below, the vastness of the place. It wasn’t like their usual cases. Somehow they rarely seemed to find themselves in big cities anymore. He knew nothing about the case. Usually, he’d read up on whatever Sam had pulled together for them. This time he just followed Dean, assuming that he’d figure things out for both of them.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Dean setting down a couple of glasses on the table, sliding one toward him. “Drink up.” Dean sat and smiled at him. “Got ya a bourbon.”

Cas looked at Dean a moment before lifting the glass. He looked at the color through the light that passed through it. “Bourbon is expensive. Hardly seems worth it.”

“Yeah, well it was free.” Dean lifted his glass then and clinked it with Cas’ before drinking from it. Cas tipped his head a little and watched the bob of Dean’s throat as he swallowed. “You can thank Mad Sweeney over there when you get us a second round.”

“Mad Sweeney?” Cas looked back at the bar. The bartender glanced up from what he was doing and gave him a smile and a little wave. 

“Yeah, Mad Sweeney.” Dean waved back for both of them. “Drink up.” Cas drank. He processed the various flavors, the ones most might not even pick up on. It was enjoyable; although, he still thought it was wasteful. He’d have to drink quite a lot of it to feel any effect, and now that he had tasted it, no more was really needed. Dean was watching him in a way that seemed more like studying. “You didn’t read the book.” 

“What?”

Dean set down his glass. He leaned into the table a little. “You didn’t get the reference. You didn’t read the book.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cas set his glass down too. He leaned into the table, feeling like Dean was about to challenge him or something. There was energy in the air all of a sudden. 

“When you were roaming all over with Crowley, I gave you  _ American Gods _ and said you should read it. Lord knows you had time. You kept saying that he was driving you nuts and that you just needed a break.”

Cas did remember all of this, but Dean wasn’t focused on all the myriad reasons he had for not reading the book. Dean had been going on and on about the fact that a series on TV was being made for the book and that it was so well cast. Dean may have talked about it an awful lot actually. Cas had enjoyed their conversations. They’d been a welcome reprieve from the ones he’d had with Crowley, with all the innuendos and sometimes pointed comments on the things he and Dean did in the past. Jealousy never did look good on anyone, and Cas didn’t like that he was now painted in that green shade.

After awhile Dean’s conversations about the book shifted though. He eventually started talking more about the cast than just the characters. So after all of the Crowley interactions, hearing Dean go on about how one of the characters in the book, Shadow, was so perfectly cast, and then hearing the descriptions of his physique, well, Cas just didn’t think he’d like the book at all. 

Dean gave him the book during one random meet up and had told him to read it, to pass the time. He couldn’t explain to Dean why that wouldn’t happen, why he didn’t need to have another vivid image of someone that Dean found attractive, someone that wasn’t him, someone that Dean would want. He was having a hard enough time reconciling the fact that when Dean was a demon, he’d have maybe had half a chance if there had just been some proximity. 

What was more, was that Dean supposedly didn’t like men, but he had some exceptions. It didn’t matter so much in the grand scheme of things since Cas felt that Dean needed things in his life that he couldn’t get if they were together. Dean should have a life with someone that wasn’t so knee deep in the supernatural world, so mired in danger. Cas was sure that anything he’d touch would turn to rot. He couldn’t let himself bring that to Dean’s doorstep.

Now here they were with this Mad Sweeney guy reminding Dean of that book and that time. “You’re not even listening to me. What’s wrong with you Cas?”

Cas pulled himself back and stared at Dean a moment before saying, “I’m sorry.”

Dean set a hand on him. “You okay?”

“I’m fine. I just let myself think too much sometimes.” Cas lifted the drink to his lips and took a sip. He set the glass back down and asked, “So, how did you get us free drinks?”

“Wow, you weren’t listening at all.” Dean laughed though. “I told him we were on our honeymoon. People like to give out free stuff to newlyweds and all.” Dean winked.

“Oh.” Cas shifted a glance at the bartender again. He was busy with another customer. 

“Yeah, seemed like he’d be okay with it, given his pride bracelet.” Dean winked again. “I notice things.”

“Yes, you always do seem to pick up on the little things.” Cas rolled his eyes.

“Am I missing something?”

“No.” Cas finished his drink. “You want another round?”

Dean finished off his drink and said, “Yeah.” He set down the glass and said, “His names Colin, not Sweeney, just so you know.”

Of course Dean got the name. Cas made his way to the bar, and when he got there, waited for Colin to notice him. “Hey there. What can I get for you?” His smile was broad and genuine.

“Another round of bourbon for my husband and I.”

“You got it.” Colin reached out and tapped Cas’ hand. “No ring yet, huh?”

Cas looked down at his hand. “Maybe someday.” He glanced back at Dean. He was wearing a ring. He’d even moved it to the appropriate hand. 

“Well, a ring isn’t everything. It’s the promises that matter.” He slid two glasses of bourbon over to him. “Five dollars.”

“Pretty sure it’s more than that,” Cas said.

“Yeah, well you put the extra into the ring fund. Not everyday, I get to be nice to my people.” He glanced down the bar and gave a person a nod of acknowledgement.

Cas slid a ten across the bar. “Keep the change.”

“You’re kinda undoing the ring fund there.” Colin laughed. 

“You’re kinda making it hard for me to be jealous of you. I thought you were flirting with my husband earlier.” Cas thought it was funny how easily he let that word fall out of his mouth over and over. It was nice to use such a possessive set of words where Dean was concerned even if it was just in this moment with this complete stranger. 

Colin leaned into the bar and whispered, “I was flirting. I’ve got no shame. I’ll flirt with you too.” He set a hand on Cas. His words were warm air passing over Cas’ cheek. He was attractive. He wasn’t Dean though.

“This must be how you get all the tips.” Cas pointed at the jar that seemed to be almost overflowing with bills.

Colin laughed. “I do alright.” He seemed to glance past him. “Looks like your man is less than pleased with our proximity.”

They were pretty close. Cas turned though and looked at Dean, who was fiercely looking down at his glass in front of him. It was, in this moment, clearly, the most fascinating glass Dean had ever seen. He was entirely, singularly focused on it. “He might just be tired.”

“Nope, pretty sure I got the death glare from him just a few seconds ago. I know when to back off.” Colin gave Cas a little more space then.

“Well, I’m not sure what he’d have to be upset about. Not like I didn’t put a ring on it.” Cas smiled, all gummy and genuine. It wasn’t often he got to use a Beyonce line, and he kind of really liked it.

Colin just smiled. “Well, you better go remind him maybe.” Colin moved off to the other end of the bar. Cas picked up the drinks and went back to the table. He set them down and slid one over to Dean who was still drilling a hole through the table with all of his glaring.

“You okay, Dean?” Dean didn’t look up. Cas reached out to him.

“I’m fine.” Dean glanced up. He looked upset. He picked up his glass and drank some. 

“You’re not.” Cas glanced at the bar again. “You didn’t want him flirting with me?” He wasn’t sure why he shared this theory. He was curious though about whether or not Colin had been right.

Dean looked a bit more angry. At least he was looking at him though. “Yeah, Cas.”

And because he used Beyonce once, he figured he might as well give it another go. “Well, if you don’t want people flirting with me, you shoulda put a ring on it.” He waved his hand in front of him in a silly little way that was meant to mirror one of the moves he’d seen Beyonce do before in some video.

Dean just stared at him. The anger he’d had painted there seemed to have entirely disappeared.  “Well, okay then.” Dean swirled the ice around in his glass.

“I don’t understand why that would have made you upset. You practically shove me into such situations quite regularly with random waitresses and various other women.” Cas watched Dean’s face shift. It was like he was being startled over and over.

“Is this us talking about things, because I gotta say, I thought you’d drag this out for at least another month or two.” Dean took a deep drink of the bourbon and then set the glass back down with a decisive clunk.

Cas felt suddenly guilty. He had opened the door to a conversation that he just couldn’t have. Not only that, he’d opened it up by implying that Dean should claim him with a ring. That couldn’t happen. That wasn’t part of the plan. Dean needed something a bit more stable than a broken angel. He saw what it could be with the right woman. He remembered Lisa even if she didn’t have the luxury of remembering Dean.

That relationship wasn’t perfect or even close, but it could have been if Dean had been allowed a life separate from the supernatural. They could have children together and some semblance of peace. And Cas thought again,  _ I could never give him any of that. _ Cas had some sort of false sense that Dean really wanted the traditional apple pie life with a wife and two point five kids. He thought that the life that Dean had currently with his hunting and an incomplete angel was the very opposite of what Dean wanted and needed.

Dean could have cleared that up easily if he’d been given a chance. 

Dean got up suddenly. “Well, good talk man.” Apparently, Cas had let the silence go on for too long. Dean was already heading to the elevator. Cas got up and followed him. He didn’t know what to say.

Dean was standing at the elevator door when Cas caught up with him. “Nice of the elevator to take so long. I’d have been stuck riding it back to the room alone.” Cas glanced over at Dean who was not looking back.

“Kinda hard to storm off if you just follow me.”

“You want me to go back and hang out at the bar with Colin?” Cas thought he could make a joke of it, but this was not the right approach. He was also a little irritated with the situation and that may have come through in his tone.

Dean looked at him as the elevator door opened. No one was inside. They both got in and Dean jabbed at the button to their floor. “You wanna go back. No ones stopping you.” The doors to the elevator closed.

“Maybe next time.” Cas just stared straight ahead. He wasn’t sure where this was going or even how he wanted this to end. He knew he had to dial it back though. He couldn’t be mad. It wouldn’t help.

They arrived at their floor. Dean stalked off ahead of him. He got out his key card and opened their door. He didn’t close the door on Cas, so there was that at least. He moved off to the big windows overlooking the city. He pressed a palm into the wall and ran a hand up into his hair. “What are we even fighting about, Cas?”

Cas stayed back by the door. He was afraid to close the space between them. He was afraid of how he’d feel, how he’d act, if they were any closer. “I don’t know.” He knew, sort of. Dean’s head dipped to the glass. Cas felt a little guilty.

“I don’t know why I even listened to him. It’s not like Sammy has any clue about this sort of thing.”

Cas was confused. He walked over to the window. What did Sammy have to do with anything? There was a window seat. Cas sat with his back pressed to the wall opposite Dean. He was still standing there with his head pressed to the glass. Cas looked down on the city. It was very late. Dean sat down on the window seat facing Cas. ‘You want to talk?” Cas wasn’t sure why he was opening up this conversation again. it would be better to let it go. Dean just looked so defeated in the moment. He had to do something.

“Sam said we needed to sort our shit out.”

“I remember.” Cas also remembered the comforting press of Dean at his back. He remembered what it was to be held by him in this body, in his own body.

“Not talking about then. He said it before this case. He set up this case for us.”

“Not like dealing with hauntings usually offers up a lot of spare time.” Cas pulled his leg up onto the window seat a little more and faced Dean fully. 

“Have you not been paying attention to anything?” Dean rolled his eyes on a sigh. “Not sure if Sam could have been anymore obvious.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dean got up and opened one of the dresser drawers. He pulled out a black binder, the kind hotels had in the rooms so that a person could see all the amenities and local events. Dean started turning pages and eventually stopped midway through. “Here. Look at this.” Dean passed the binder over.

Cas looked down at the picture of “Carver House: the most haunted house you’ll ever encounter.” Cas looked up at Dean. “Is this the case?”

“Yeah, I think we just solved it.”

“We did?”

Dean laughed, “Yeah, It’s haunted by tourists and PR.” 

Cas handed the book back to Dean. “Why would Sam send us there?” Cas looked around the room. “And spend a lot of money on this hotel?”

“Like I said, Sam thinks we need to sort our shit.” Dean reached out and set a hand on Cas’ leg. “He’s not wrong. You’ve been unhappy, and you won’t tell me why.”

Cas looked out the window. “I’m not unhappy.” The lie came so easily. Dean squeezed his leg. Cas looked back at him.

“You promised me you’d stay.” 

“I did.”

Dean swallowed and continued, “It was selfish of me to make you promise that. I should feel guilty about that, shouldn’t I?”

“No.” The answer came quick. Cas didn’t want Dean to ever feel guilty.

“Do you still want to bolt?”

“Sometimes.”

“Like now?” Cas could feel the worry rolling off Dean.

He set his hand on Dean’s which was still sitting on his leg. “Not at this present moment.”

“Where would you go if you did bolt?”

Cas sucked in a big needless breath. “Somewhere high where I could feel the wind on my face.”

“So Sam was right about some other things too.” Cas tipped his head as if to question that. Dean explained, “He said maybe angels weren’t meant to live in bunkers. He said that maybe being cut off from the sky was a little miserable for you.”

“Oh.” Cas shifted and his hand fell off of Dean’s. “I miss some things like flying, the wind and sun on my form. The bunker feels like home now too though.”

“Does it?” Dean’s tone sounded incredibly doubtful.

Cas let his hand slide off of Dean’s. He turned and let his back press to the window behind him. “It’s one of the only places where I feel wanted. I don’t serve any purpose anymore in heaven. I am unwanted there, and frankly the feeling is mutual.” Cas folded his hands in front of himself and leaned forward. He glanced at Dean. “So, although there are times I want to,” he made air quotes, “bolt, I won’t. I want to be where I am right now.”

“In an over-priced hotel?” Dean smirked.

“It’s where you are, so yes.” 

Dean sucked in a breath and moved closer. His leg lined up with Cas’. His posture mirrored Cas. “Then what is making you so unhappy?”

“Wanting something doesn’t make it right.” Cas sighed. “I’m a bit of a trouble magnet. Good things don’t come to people or angels that know me. I should not have promised to stay. It is making it difficult for me to do the right thing.”

“The right thing?” Dean asked.

“Yes.” Cas felt his heart drumming away. His body was responding to this moment with something like fear. “Leaving would be the right thing.”

Dean got up and began pacing. “So, I need to worry about that, about you deciding one day that promises don’t matter, that you need to just pop off.” Dean sounded a little angry. Cas’ head dropped. His chin nearly rested on his chest. Then Dean was standing over him. Cas looked up at him. Dean was stifling a yawn. “It’s really late.” His hands were curled at his sides. “We should go to bed before I say anything stupid. We always try to have these talks at the worst times.”

Cas nodded and waited for Dean to take a step back before he got up. “I don’t require sleep, and my communication would be the same now as it would be in the morning.”

Dean moved off to the dresser and his duffel bag. He began pulling out clothes to sleep in. He had two sets of sweats and two t-shirts. He began changing. Cas felt all need for communication fall away. It was far easier to just watch with quiet awe. “I’m not so sure I buy that.”

“What?” Cas had completely lost the thread of their conversation. Dean was taking off his shirt, and his broad chest was on full display. His arms, the very ones that held Cas with such tenderness, were unclothed now. The muscles in Dean’s back needed to be touched. Cas wanted to trace the contours there, explore all of Dean’s paths.

Dean had stepped up to him. He maybe even said some things, but Cas didn’t hear him. His head was all swimmy, and he was pretty sure that angels weren’t supposed to feel like this. Dean was holding out the sweat pants and t-shirt toward him. “Put these on, Mr. I-Don’t-Require-Sleep.” Cas took them. Dean moved off to the bed.

Cas just stood there a moment. Changing clothes should be easy. He’d done it before, but it wasn’t exactly a regular occurrence. In fact, the very few times that it had just happened, like when he was snapped back to earth in some other coat and suit, it had thrown him a little.

His fingers fumbled at the buttons. The order was wrong though. He shouldn’t have started with his button-up. He was still wearing layers over it, and his shirt was tucked into his pants. He could have used his mojo, just zapped into the new clothes, but something in his head was misfiring. He looked at Dean and the bed across the room. Cas’ buttons were half undone, and his fingers stalled on the next one.

Dean was under the sheets, propped up on an arm and some pillows, watching him. “You need some help there, buddy?” Dean smirked.

“I know how to change clothes.” Cas turned his back on Dean. He had thousands of years worth of memories. He had seen everything, and yet here he was fumbling with buttons. He finally realized that he needed to take off the outer layers first. He gently set his trench coat on the back of a chair. 

At least now he was down to just the shirt and pants again. Cas felt the moment though, the long drag of time that seemed to be overtaking all of his simple actions. Then Dean was at his back again, like he had been in that motel before. His arms moved around Cas’ waist. His chin settled in on Cas’ shoulder. “Let me help you.”

His hands ran up Cas’ chest and then back to the damn buttons. Dean’s fingers brushed over them. He seemed to be in no hurry, and this position was not exactly the best one to be in for a speedy undressing. Dean undid Cas’ belt first and slowly dragged it free. He reached out to their left and dropped it near the chair. Then Dean was pulling Cas’ shirt free of his pants. He was unbuttoning the shirt. When he got finished with the last button, he dragged his hands back up over Cas’ chest, to his shoulders, and down his arms. When he got to Cas’ wrists, he paused and let his thumb stroke Cas there.

Cas felt all of his focus go to the points of contact--Dean’s hands dragging over him, Dean’s chest pressed solidly to his back, Dean’s mouth, lips slightly parted, letting out little, ragged breaths. Dean unbuttoned the cuffs on his shirt. Dean was hard and pressed against Cas too. He didn’t let himself think about how this was different. Instead, Cas closed his eyes, and pictured them moving together, the warm drag of his own hands on Dean’s body. He wanted, and still he knew that he couldn’t ask. 

Dean turned him around and thoughts scattered, Dean pushed his shirt off. He pulled the undershirt up and over Cas’ head next. He tossed both onto the chair that already held the trench coat. Dean reached past him to the dresser. Cas didn’t even remember setting down the sweats and t-shirt. Dean picked up the t-shirt, and before doing anything, set his palm flat against Cas’ chest. “You think you could put this shirt on yourself?”

Cas swallowed and took the shirt. Who knew putting on a shirt could be such a clumsy business. Somehow he managed to get both his head and arm through the head hole. He quickly fixed the mistake though, and Dean didn’t laugh. He just watched, all smirky, from way too close. Dean smoothed his hands over the shirt, like he needed to straighten it out or something. If he just stopped touching Cas, then Cas might be able to figure out how thinking worked again.

Dean had no such intentions. His fingers dragged down to the waistband of Cas’ pants. He grazed over the area. Dean’s fingers trembled a little as they moved toward the button and fly of Cas’ pants. Cas watched Dean’s face then, and Dean focused on his task. He unbuttoned and unzipped Cas’ pants, sending them to the floor. Dean reached past him again, his chest brushing against Cas’ as he picked up the sweat pants from off the dresser.

“Now put these on, one leg per hole.” Dean smirked again.

“I know how to put on pants,” Cas said sounding not at all confident.

“Sure you do, buddy.” Dean smiled and walked away, back to the bed.

It was a little easier, getting into the pants, because Dean wasn’t so close anymore. Cas looked down at himself. The shirt was too tight. He felt naked in it. His broad chest and his muscles there were very much on display. The sweats were baggy enough in places. The waist was loose, but the part around his legs was a little tighter. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just revealing in a way that sweats typically weren’t. He was still wearing socks. “Should I take off my socks?” It was an odd question.

He could hear the smile in Dean’s response. “Do your feet get cold at night?”

“No.” Cas looked up at him. Dean was propped up on some pillows, just looking so smug and also a little sleepy. His hair was all ruffled up, like he’d raked his hand through it some more when Cas wasn’t looking.

“Then take them off, and come to bed.” Cas awkwardly stood on one foot and pulled up his other leg like he was a flamingo or something. He peeled off one sock like that then shifted legs to take care of the other. He moved to the empty side of the bed and just stared down like he’d forgotten what came next. Dean pulled back the sheets. He reached up to Cas and said, “Come ‘ere.”

Cas got into the bed. Dean snaked his one arm under Cas. He used his other arm to reach out and pull the sheets and blanket up over them. For a moment, Cas laid there on his back all stiff, Dean’s arm beneath him. “Are you comfortable?” Cas asked.

A low rumble of a laugh came from Dean as he shifted his position. He was laying on his side now and moved Cas into a little spoon position. Dean’s body curled around Cas’. His free arm draped over Cas’ hip and pulled him closer. “Am now. You?”

“Yes.” Cas stared straight ahead. The feel of Dean solid at his back was maybe every good thing. He closed his eyes and pictured it all, the future he wanted but couldn’t have, Dean happy and safe with him. 

“Stop thinking. I can feel you thinking,” Dean said. “Try shutting it down for a bit. Sleep with me.” He could feel Dean press a kiss into the space between his shoulder blades. “In the morning, we’ll talk about whatever pops up.” Dean laughed a little, a sleepy melody, that made Cas smile.

“Is talking a funny thing?”

“My little joke is.” 

“I suppose I missed the joke,” Cas said.

Dean pulled him tighter to him. “And that is why we need to talk when I’m awake, and less capable of screwing this up. Pretty sure you’ve missed a lot of absolutely obvious stuff this past month, and I’m going to set you straight.” Dean laughed again, “or not straight. Words.” He was mumbling into Cas’ back, as sleep finally claimed him. Cas tried shutting down like Dean told him to. It took some time, but eventually his thoughts whittled down to just warmth, and the happy sound of Dean’s gentle breathing.

* * *

 

Morning came. Dean was snoring into his back. Cas focused on the warm press of him there. It was nice. He wondered if they’d do this again, if every night in this hotel could be spent wrapped up in each other like this. He didn’t focus on the worries or the old obstacles that he continually assumed were in their path. Instead, he just let his mind swim around in the moment. Dean was holding him. Dean was safe and happy.

Hours passed for him like that. He should have let his mind fall back into the semi-sleep he’d been in before. It was nice though, having this moment. Eventually though, he let his old thoughts return. The old demon thoughts reminded him that he could never give Dean what he really wanted. He even convinced himself that Dean didn’t know what he wanted himself. He knew Dean though, knew what he needed, what would fill his life with peace. 

Cas was an angel, and a broken one at that. He wanted Dean, and he also wanted Dean to have everything. After all Dean had worked tirelessly to save the world. Everyday with Cas was a risk. If angels weren’t hunting him with murderous intentions, then it would be demons, or Eldritch gods. He’d managed to anger something in all categories at some point in his existence. 

Dean’s arms tightened around him. His fingers grazed over the muscles on Cas’ stomach. He was in that pleasant state when dreams turn to waking. Cas let Dean pull him closer. “Mornin’,” Dean’s words were mumbled into Cas’ back.

Cas just hummed back. Dean’s hand was tracing over muscles and flesh. Cas soaked up the attention. His thoughts seemed to slip back into pleasant territory. “Good morning, Dean.”

Dean rolled his hips a little, and Cas felt Dean’s hardness against his own body. “I know I said we’d talk, but,” Dean said as he rolled his hips again. One hand slid down to the front of Cas’ sweatpants. He palmed Cas through the fabric. Cas tipped his head back. He thought that he should stop him, but he didn’t really want to do that. Dean seemed to feel encouraged and moved his hand under the waistband of both the sweatpants and Cas’ boxers. “You like this?”

“Very much,” Cas practically stuttered out. He rolled his own hips back into Dean’s body as Dean took him in hand. “We should talk though.” 

Dean was kissing into his neck and down into the little divot between his neck and shoulder. Cas thought of just how kind Chuck was to give bodies so many nerve endings with which to feel pleasure. Dean’s hand was picking up the pace. “You want me to stop or talk while we do this?”

Cas was writhing with the contact, body slick now from Dean’s attention. He reached behind him and awkwardly palmed at Dean. “Want to touch you.” It was all he could say. He had somehow shifted from the deep desire to cut and run, to never wanting to stop this thing they’d started months ago. Dean rolled him onto his back.

“You can do that.” Dean smirked down at him now, all confident and pleased with the direction things were going. Cas seemed to realize then that this was entirely different for them.

“It'll be hard to find a willing vessel this early.” Dean just stared at him. In the few moments of silence Cas also realized that he'd just said out loud what they'd been doing. It was the first real acknowledgement.

Dean reached down between them and began sliding Cas’ pants and boxers off. Dean stared at Cas’ newly revealed body, hard and leaking. “Seems to me that it won't be hard at all finding a vessel that's into this.” Dean dragged his fingers up Cas’ leg, stopping just short of the goal. “Do you want me, Cas?”

Cas swallowed. Dean looming over him was enough to make him imagine all sorts of things. Most of those things were very carnal. “It's clear what I want.” He really couldn't deny it. The evidence was right there between them.

Dean let his hand slip off of Cas’ leg. He stared down at him. Cas wanted to pull him down to the bed, crush their bodies together, but this wasn't what was best for Dean. This wasn't what he'd intended. “You just have issues with being with me while you're in this body then?”

“No.” Cas thought about the question though. He could see how Dean might think that, and maybe he wasn't wrong. “I thought, at first, that you only felt desire for women, except in rare circumstances.”

Dean stood beside the bed and stretched his arms up over his head. He was beautiful, all taut muscles. The early morning sunlight in the room highlighted him in golden hues. Cas wondered, not for the first time, if Dean was a god. Then, Dean pulled off his shirt and stepped out of his pants and underwear. Dean looked down at him. “Guess it's pretty clear that you were wrong.”

“About that, yes.” Cas eyes drifted over Dean's body. Dean moved back onto the bed and crawled over him. “Later, I thought that it would be easier on both of us when it came time for me to leave. We could just pretend nothing ever happened.”

Dean rolled his hips. He took Cas’ face in his hands. “You promised not to leave.” Dean sounded earnest, and his body shook a little as he pressed in closer to Cas. He repeated, “You promised.”

Cas moved his own hands around Dean's back, a move meant to comfort him. “I know. Someone once told me that sometimes when you want something really bad, you lie. I intended to leave you even as I made the promise.”

“Intended, past tense?” Dean sounded hopeful. He rolled his hips again and again. Can held him tighter. He wanted this, more than he ever did in those other bodies. Yes he and Dean had been together before, countless times now, but this was different, this was him. This was Dean wanting him as he was. This was what it was too be really wanted. Cas never wanted it to end.

“Present tense too. I'll bring you nothing good if I stay.”

Dean leaned down close and rested his forehead against Cas’ own. He slowed down his movements which had become a little erratic. Now he moved slowly, languidly. “I use to think that way but in the other direction. Thought I was ruining your life. You're an angel, and I'm what? Just some guy that got shoehorned into an apocalypse. You deserve better.”

“I don't.”

Dean kissed him and cut off whatever else Cas would have said. Cas let himself drown in the warmth of Dean's mouth. How could Dean ever think he wasn't enough? And then it hit him, all the choices he'd made that had contributed to Dean's feelings of inadequacy. Dean broke the kiss, likely feeling the change that seemed to overtake Cas. “You okay?”

“You think you're not worth loving?” Cas asked.

“Use to think that. Use to think that it was a lot of work for you to be anywhere near me. Felt bad for you. I figured it was part of why you were always leaving.” Dean leaned down and kissed Cas’ head.

“You said 'use to.’ You don't think that now?”

“Not even a little.” Dean smiled, big and genuine. “Look at us Cas. We're perfect for each other. You're a mess. I'm a mess. And somehow we make it work.”

Cas let the words flutter about in his head. “I'll make you miserable.”

“Not likely.” Dean kissed him again to punctuate the point.

“Someone will come along wanting revenge. I've pissed off a lot of beings.”

“Sounds like par for the course.” Dean brushed back Cas’ hair. “We've faced plenty before, died a few times too, and you know what?”

Dean paused like he was waiting for Cas to respond. “What?” 

“The universe wants us to be together. And I say, who're we to argue with that?” Dean laughed, and the sound of it rolled through Cas. He smiled back. “I love you.”

It made sense really. And in the end, he really didn't want anything but this. He stared up into Dean’s eyes, bright and so full of love for him. Cas knew he could give him something good, even if it might be easier for Dean to have someone else, someone less dangerous. They’d be hunted; they’d fight, live, and maybe even die, but nothing mattered but this. “I have loved you; I still love you; I’ll always love you.”

Dean slid his arms up under Cas’ back and cradled his shoulders. “Then, just so we’re on the same page, we stay together.” Cas nodded. “You stop hopping off into new vessels.” Cas nodded again. “We have mind-blowingly good sex.” Cas smiled then nodded. “You get that you’re what’s best for me?”

“I get that you think that.” 

“Look, Cas. You’re my win, my one good thing. If at the end of the day, I’ve done some good, and the world is safer.”

Cas interrupted him, “It is.”

“Okay, well then, I wanna share the peaceful time with someone that makes me happy.” He leaned down and pressed his forehead to Cas. “And you know what?” Dean’s smile was close. Cas kissed it quick. “You make me happy, you asshole.”

Their bodies were close, and Cas felt sure that this was right. Dean's orgasm was fast approaching. He could feel it in the way his muscles tightened and his breathing became ragged. Cas thought that he'd maybe regret some things, doubt that he’d done the right thing, but Dean seemed happy, so how could those doubts last? He rolled his hips and thought of the many ways that he could use this body to make Dean incredibly happy. He looked into Dean's eyes as they held each other through the moment, through the final roll of hips. Dean slumped down to him. His head rested against Cas' chest. Cas raised a hand to his hair and let his fingers weave into the softness there. His body felt good with Dean near it. It felt right. He breathed him in, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “You make me happy too, you asshole.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/) or more often on Twitter under the name [Spearywrites](https://twitter.com/spearywrites)
> 
> Also, if you haven't read it, you should go read my DCBB, As Thin of Substance As the Air . It is basically just a giant coda for this season.


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